In its most extreme form, toxic
forgiveness manifests as practices such as female feticide/infanticide and
honor killings. These acts are not considered murders by perpetrators, but are imagined
to be acts that uphold the sanctity of the family, a virtue held higher than
the sanctity of female life. Non-terminal expressions of toxic forgiveness are
more common, such as when there’s forced forgiveness of inappropriate behavior,
when the blatant disrespect of women is taken in the context of “locker room
talk” and excused, and when misconduct is condoned because “boys will be boys.”
When toxic forgiveness is left
unchecked, it leads to a disease called Male Entitlement. When video evidence
of talk claiming privilege over women- “They let you do it. You can do
anything. Grab ‘em by the p*ssy” doesn’t prevent a man from occupying the White
House and living in it as Predator of the United States, it’s time to
acknowledge that male entitlement has reached monstrous proportions. Male entitlement
comes in many forms. The Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, Bill O’Reilly, Bill
Clinton debacles are examples of sexual entitlement. But entitlement can also
be over resources: Your time. The family income. Your energy. When men control
the lion’s share of the family income even though women put in as much work
into the home, when women who hold jobs outside of the house come home to work
the “second shift” taking care of housework and childcare while men put their
feet up and expect to relax, that’s the common-cold variety of male
entitlement. It doesn’t kill. It only makes you stronger. Don’t express your
discontent at this disease with the supreme male in your life and expect to be
heard. Male entitlement erodes decency, reason and fairness and gives rise to a
Male Pattern Deafness of not being able to hear female anger, also called Silencing
the Less Powerful.
The largest homogenous group of the ‘less
powerful’ are women. The expression of anger is therefore not for half the
population of planet earth. In her essay Facing
the Furies in the May 2017 issue of Harper’s Magazine, Rebecca Solnit asks:
“Who has the right to be angry? Anger is considered justified if it
is a reaction to outrageous circumstance, so denying the grounds for anger
denies its legitimacy. And behind
the question of who has the right to be angry is the question of who is allowed
to act on his anger.”
Clearly, the
expression of anger is solely the privilege of a chosen few. If you have female
body parts, count yourself out. Solnit writes:
"For decades people have stereotyped feminists as angry, and in doing so have denied aspects of women's experience that it is reasonable to be angry about.....Women's relationship to power will remain uneasy as long as the right to be angry is seen as a masculine prerogative."
"For decades people have stereotyped feminists as angry, and in doing so have denied aspects of women's experience that it is reasonable to be angry about.....Women's relationship to power will remain uneasy as long as the right to be angry is seen as a masculine prerogative."
If you’re a woman, you have no right
to challenge male power; your anger is never legitimate. If you dare to undermine male authority by
expressing discontent about something in your
own life, be prepared for pushback. If you’re sexually assaulted, don’t be
angry. You asked for it! It was the way you dressed that caused your violation,
or the time of night that you were out. Your character will be on the docket
with all courtroom guns turned in your direction and poised for Ready, Aim,
Fire! Complaints of a non-sexual nature automatically put you in the category
of the insane. “Bat-shit crazy” is currently trending as the most popular term
of choice for those who dare to upset the status quo of male entitlement.
Audre
Lorde wrote in The Uses of Anger: Women
Responding to Racism:
“Every
woman has a well-stocked arsenal of anger potentially useful against those
oppressions, personal and institutional, which brought that anger into being.
Focused with precision it can become a powerful source of energy serving
progress and change. And when I speak of change, I do not mean a simple switch
of positions or a temporary lessening of tensions, nor the ability to smile or
feel good. I am speaking of a basic and radical alteration in those assumptions
underlining our lives.”
No single
emotion has brought about as much “radical alteration” in our lives as anger
has. If it weren’t for anger, we would still have segregated schools, restrooms
and water-fountains. If it weren’t for anger, women wouldn’t be voting today. Embrace
your anger and express it. The American Psychological Association endorses it.
The APA’s March 2003 publication Monitor
on Psychology outlines the benefits of anger:
Anger gets a bad rap partly because it is
often erroneously associated with violence, experts note. "In fact, anger
seems to be followed by aggression only about 10 percent of the time, and lots
of aggression occurs without any anger," notes Howard Kassinove, PhD…. But a number of studies show that in the
places where anger is usually played out--especially on the domestic front--it
is often beneficial. "When you look at everyday episodes of anger as
opposed to more dramatic ones, the results are usually positive," says
James Averill, PhD.
Anger is a useful tool for negotiating fairness and establishing
healthy boundaries. It becomes a “problem” only when there is an abuse of power.
Where there’s an attempt to suppress anger, there’s a power struggle. Where there's an attempt to suppress women's anger, there's male entitlement. Ignore it,
and be outraged.
If the
women who endured the prurient gaze and pornographic greed of the likes of Harvey
Weinstein and Bill Cosby have anything to teach us, it is that there is a
turning point for even the most omnipotent, entitled ogre. For some men that may
come after the complaints of several dozen women, but it will arrive –
posthumously sometimes, as was in the case of British TV host Jimmy Savile who
molested innumerable children over a 60-year career of sexual predation. The
tipping point exists. Aim for it. Get your voice heard no matter the outcome. Those
who will speak after you depend on it.
