Anger Miss-Management: The Denial of Women’s Outrage

           

Forgiveness is a prominent theme in the world’s religions. From Hinduism to Buddhism to Christianity there is a uniform belief that anger is an emotion detrimental to well-being. Christianity promotes forgiveness as a virtue, stating in Matthew 6:14-15 that “...if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Buddhism looks upon anger as one of the toxins that perpetuates the cycle of samsara. Modern day counseling and mindfulness practices, too, encourage “letting go” of feelings of anger. While it is appropriate in certain contexts to promote forgiveness and the elimination of anger from our emotional make-up, there is a dark underbelly to this mindset when it is taken outside the context of spirituality and mental health.

            In its most extreme form, toxic forgiveness manifests as practices such as female feticide/infanticide and honor killings. These acts are not considered murders by perpetrators, but are imagined to be acts that uphold the sanctity of the family, a virtue held higher than the sanctity of female life. Non-terminal expressions of toxic forgiveness are more common, such as when there’s forced forgiveness of inappropriate behavior, when the blatant disrespect of women is taken in the context of “locker room talk” and excused, and when misconduct is condoned because “boys will be boys.”

            When toxic forgiveness is left unchecked, it leads to a disease called Male Entitlement. When video evidence of talk claiming privilege over women- “They let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ‘em by the p*ssy” doesn’t prevent a man from occupying the White House and living in it as Predator of the United States, it’s time to acknowledge that male entitlement has reached monstrous proportions. Male entitlement comes in many forms. The Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, Bill O’Reilly, Bill Clinton debacles are examples of sexual entitlement. But entitlement can also be over resources: Your time. The family income. Your energy. When men control the lion’s share of the family income even though women put in as much work into the home, when women who hold jobs outside of the house come home to work the “second shift” taking care of housework and childcare while men put their feet up and expect to relax, that’s the common-cold variety of male entitlement. It doesn’t kill. It only makes you stronger. Don’t express your discontent at this disease with the supreme male in your life and expect to be heard. Male entitlement erodes decency, reason and fairness and gives rise to a Male Pattern Deafness of not being able to hear female anger, also called Silencing the Less Powerful.

            The largest homogenous group of the ‘less powerful’ are women. The expression of anger is therefore not for half the population of planet earth. In her essay Facing the Furies in the May 2017 issue of Harper’s Magazine, Rebecca Solnit asks:

“Who has the right to be angry? Anger is considered justified if it is a reaction to outrageous circumstance, so denying the grounds for anger denies its legitimacy. And behind the question of who has the right to be angry is the question of who is allowed to act on his anger.”

Clearly, the expression of anger is solely the privilege of a chosen few. If you have female body parts, count yourself out. Solnit writes:

"For decades people have stereotyped feminists as angry, and in doing so have denied aspects of women's experience that it is reasonable to be angry about.....Women's relationship to power will remain uneasy as long as the right to be angry is seen as a masculine prerogative."

            If you’re a woman, you have no right to challenge male power; your anger is never legitimate.  If you dare to undermine male authority by expressing discontent about something in your own life, be prepared for pushback. If you’re sexually assaulted, don’t be angry. You asked for it! It was the way you dressed that caused your violation, or the time of night that you were out. Your character will be on the docket with all courtroom guns turned in your direction and poised for Ready, Aim, Fire! Complaints of a non-sexual nature automatically put you in the category of the insane. “Bat-shit crazy” is currently trending as the most popular term of choice for those who dare to upset the status quo of male entitlement.

                        Audre Lorde wrote in The Uses of Anger: Women Responding to Racism:

“Every woman has a well-stocked arsenal of anger potentially useful against those oppressions, personal and institutional, which brought that anger into being. Focused with precision it can become a powerful source of energy serving progress and change. And when I speak of change, I do not mean a simple switch of positions or a temporary lessening of tensions, nor the ability to smile or feel good. I am speaking of a basic and radical alteration in those assumptions underlining our lives.”

          No single emotion has brought about as much “radical alteration” in our lives as anger has. If it weren’t for anger, we would still have segregated schools, restrooms and water-fountains. If it weren’t for anger, women wouldn’t be voting today. Embrace your anger and express it. The American Psychological Association endorses it. The APA’s March 2003 publication Monitor on Psychology outlines the benefits of anger:

Anger gets a bad rap partly because it is often erroneously associated with violence, experts note. "In fact, anger seems to be followed by aggression only about 10 percent of the time, and lots of aggression occurs without any anger," notes Howard Kassinove, PhD…. But a number of studies show that in the places where anger is usually played out--especially on the domestic front--it is often beneficial. "When you look at everyday episodes of anger as opposed to more dramatic ones, the results are usually positive," says James Averill, PhD.

Anger is a useful tool for negotiating fairness and establishing healthy boundaries. It becomes a “problem” only when there is an abuse of power. Where there’s an attempt to suppress anger, there’s a power struggle. Where there's an attempt to suppress women's anger, there's male entitlement. Ignore it, and be outraged.

           

            If the women who endured the prurient gaze and pornographic greed of the likes of Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby have anything to teach us, it is that there is a turning point for even the most omnipotent, entitled ogre. For some men that may come after the complaints of several dozen women, but it will arrive – posthumously sometimes, as was in the case of British TV host Jimmy Savile who molested innumerable children over a 60-year career of sexual predation. The tipping point exists. Aim for it. Get your voice heard no matter the outcome. Those who will speak after you depend on it.